Matt and Cat\'s Isle of Wight Eating Out Guide
Consort Restaurant, Albert Cottage Hotel, East Cowes Consort Restaurant, Albert Cottage Hotel, East Cowes
There have been whispers that Matt and Cat generally keep to the Island’s scofferies, eschewing the more upmarket establishments. In fact, County Press columnist...

There have been whispers that Matt and Cat generally keep to the Island’s scofferies, eschewing the more upmarket establishments. In fact, County Press columnist Keith Newbery congratulated them for being real punters talking about real grub. Is it indecision, poverty or scruffiness that keeps your reviewers out of the nouvelle cuisineries? Probably a pinch of all three plus a soupçon of idleness.

Duck in orange sauce

So, to prove the naysayers wrong – hopefully without overly annoying Mr Newbery in the process – Matt and Cat put a pin in the ‘posh eateries’ section of the Yellow Pages and stabbed the name of Albert Cottage Hotel with their tiny stainless steel bayonet. Did they manage to get through the door without Matt being sent home for a tie?

On what was predicted to be the coldest night of the winter, Matt put the snow chains on the the covered wagon and he and Cat hove eastwards to Monkey Town. They had taken the precaution of booking a table at the Albert Cottage Hotel’s Consort Restaurant. Rather intriguingly, when Cat rang the venue, the lady who answered the phone said “I’ll tell the kitchen”, suggesting that M and C would be the only patrons. The empty, unlit car park and big, dark building added to their suspicions. However, once they entered the lighted doorway they waited in the empty lobby for only a moment before they were greeted warmly. The restaurant proved to be a remarkably long way away, through a maze of twisty passages, all alike, and down the famous long corridor (which was cited in Pevsner) to the bar where they ordered drinks, perused the menu, and discovered that they were indeed the sole customers that evening.

The menu is changed daily and, as at Fox’s, was brief but interesting. It was an unusual experience for Matt and Cat to chose their food before even seeing the restaurant, but it was also pleasingly decadent to lounge in the pleasant bar with staff hovering discreetly in the background solely for them. Cat, despite the choice of only four dishes for each course, still managed to fuss about; should she have the chicken or steak? Melon or paté? Matt and the waiter were very patient… Cat eventually broke the rules of dining out and chose duck for both her starter and main course. Matthew mixed things up a bit, selecting salmon for starter and chicken with blue cheese sauce for his main course.

Salmon starter

Left in the bar to their own devices, M and C strolled about and peered out through the windows to the terrace. In the clear winter moonlight it looked like it might be a nice place to sit and sip tea on a warm summer’s afternoon. One of the two waiters on duty glided forward to interrupt their reverie – their table awaited. Called to the dining room, with their drinks carried for them on a tray – this was the life – they obediently followed their beverages. The dining room was modern, and not as plush as The Terrace Restaurant at Osborne House; but it was certainly cosy. In fact, it was almost insufferably hot. What were they trying to hatch? So much for Eco Island! Matt and Cat wondered, as they stripped off jackets and cardis, whether the heating had been cranked up for their benefit or if the room was always kept at a carrot-forcing temperature. It was certainly a polar contrast from the brass monkey freezing weather outside and, noticing his patrons’ discomfort in the incubating heat, the waiter kindly wound down the thermostat and the room became a more ambient temperature.

Chairs were proffered, napkins flicked over expectant laps and Matt and Cats’ drinks were safely delivered to the table. Food followed. Cat’s starter was a discreet little pile of crustless brown toast, two slabs of delicious and smooth duck liver pate and a dainty heap of vegetation dressed with sweet honey and mustard (£4.75). It boded well for the main course.

Creme brulee

Matt, on the other hand, was not quite so pleased with his salmon and prawn starter (£6.95). The dish itself was, tiny, tasty and beautifully presented with the salmon and prawns resting on an artful arrangement of leaves around a solid base of lettuce. He also accepted a warmed roll to eat with it. However, to his surprise the triangles of butter on the table turned out to be bordering on stale. This was not a good thing, but not really enough to say anything about, for a cheese-lover like Matt. Cat had piously left her toast unbuttered and was not able to judge this potential lapse in stock rotation. To make matters worse, the iceberg lettuce fragments turned out to have well-browned edges. But this did not spoil the taste, and Matt was game to eat them anyway.

The plates were cleared away by the ever-attentive waiter and Matt and Cat were given a moment to collect their thoughts. Whilst alone in the bar earlier, Cat had relaxed into the comfy sofa and closed her eyes, letting the piped violin music soothe her. None of your Phil Collins dullisimo dirge here. In fact, it was almost possible for The Cat to imagine that she was being serenaded by a string quartet. The classical music continued in the restaurant; how very sophisticated. Until the jarring chatter of the Classic FM DJ broke the spell. This was another very surprising lapse – the radio was on pretty loudly, too, so the diners also had no choice but to accept the benefit of a few advertisement breaks in which they could enjoy an entreaty to buy Night Nurse, borrow money at really cheap rates, or get some car insurance. However, it wasn’t quite loud enough to drown out Radio One which was playing in the kitchen. Still, the poor staff had probably been kicking their heels for most of they day so one can hardly blame them.

Matt and Cat’s bill
Starter: salmon and prawn £6.95
Starter: duck liver pate £4.75
Main: duck breast £17.95
Main: chicken breast £16.95
Dessert: choca mocha tart £5.50
Dessert: crème brulée £5.50
2 x coffee £4.00
San Miguel £2.80
Orange juice and lemonade £2.00

The main courses arrived with a flourish and the plentiful vegetables were deftly served. Broccoli, cauliflower cheese, carrots and green beans accompanied Cat’s duck breast and Matt’s chicken. The duck was extremely tender; thin slivers of meat with a slender fatty rind lay enticingly on the plate next to some tasty and hot sautéed and herb-dressed potatoes. It all lay in a puddle of sweet orange sauce. A very fine dish indeed and all for £17.95.

Matt’s roast chicken breasts were served with a blue cheese sauce. Although this was undoubtedly fine dining, for once Matthew did not complain about the amount! The breasts were good; stuffed with sun-dried tomatoes and spinach which probably added more visually than it did to the taste. As the sauce was generously supplied and had the light piquancy of blue cheese it was a good complement to the fowl. The chicken was slightly cheaper than Cat’s duck at £16.95. Both dishes were declared to be tops.

Having kept at least six staff from their beds – or Celebrity Big Brother – Matt and Cat felt that they couldn’t leave without having pudding and coffee. The waiter duly brought over the menus for M and C to choose their dessert. All of the sweets were declared to be handmade by the chefs on the premises. Pumpkin tart and the cheeseboard did not really light up your reviewers eyes. Cat, patting her tiny, yet full belly, really wanted the choca mocha tart but knew that she would not have room to stuff it in. Therefore, she ordered it for Matt: as all women know, if you eat your partner’s dessert it doesn’t count! For herself Cat chose the lighter option of crème brulée. Both desserts were £5.50.

A mighty passage

The puddings were the best presented of all of the courses. A squiggle of fruit coulis wormed its way across Matt’s plate next to a generous slab of tart. Cat’s crunchy caramel-topped crème brulée was accompanied by a shortbread biscuit and both puddings had one of those Chinese gooseberry things artfully perched on top. It wasn’t long before Cat’s fork found its way deep into Matt’s “rich chocolate and coffee syrup tart with crème fraiche and fruit coulis”. It was fantastic and chewy although the coffee was so subtle as to be imperceptible. The crème brulée was creamy and light and the caramel topping was the perfect consistency – it cracked well and was crisp then soft. A hint of the fridge still lurked in the middle of the soft creme – perhaps the freezing weather had cooled the kitchen too.

A pot of coffee served with mints rounded off this banquet. The waiter kindly brought both a jug of milk and a jug of cream and there was enough in the pot for more than two cups.

Finally, Matt and Cat had to pull their jumpers and jackets back on and make their way back down the long corridor. Pausing to take the only photo of the evening that wasn’t done with a degree of covert fumbling, they left the building just as the lights were being turned off behind them.

The evening was an interesting one. It was remarkable that when Cat made the booking they weren’t put off to another day, being the only customers. At no time did the visitors feel unwelcome and this was quite an achievement in such an obviously empty place. The standards in the Albert Cottage seem intended to be pretty high and for the most part, this was achieved. Attention was thorough and the food was excellent. The only niggles were the radio playing; and a few minor points with the preparation of the food. The Consort Restaurant was a very good experience, and Matt and Cat are pleased to say it was worth repeating.

  • Sandra Rowe says:

    21st October 2018.. Sunday Lunch at the Consort Restaurant . Elegant surroundings beautiful warm Sunny day , sat outside initially with drinks ( a little confusion ordering those ) . Called to our table . Sunday Roast at £15 a head was a huge disappointment the meats were lovely , I chose Pork for the CRISPY crackling , my weakness, it was soft and rubbery , vegetables /potatoes were undercooked and hard , therefore flavourless and flat Yorkshire , I left over half of the meal to me it was inedible . We asked for the Wine menu , this came too late , we had just a glass each instead , drinks were very slow . A very nice manager , other staff were very young and not attuned to customer needs , my partner had Beef , no salt /peppers , no offer of mustard or horseradish, Apple sauce would have been good with my pork instead of , I think , maybe it was Apricot purée . We went on to the Life boat for a last drink in the sunshine ( we walked as we live in East Cowes ) beautiful , perfect Sunday roasts were coming out at a far less price . Price doesn’t bother me as a rule as long as it’s worth it which sadly The Consort failed miserably .

  • ann and chris says:

    Having decided to visit this very near and promising venue, we have come away feeling it is an experience not to be repeated or recommended! The food was decidedly average, capped by the extremely mean and dried up portions of cheese on the cheeseboard, with shrivled graped that were more like raisons! The starter was good, main course O.K.,dessert shockingly poor. Greg from masterchef would have found the creme anglaise too sweet! The response from the manager on duty was to offer us a drink, I suggested they remove the wine from the bill, but this was not forthcoming! We await a promised call from the general manager.For £60, we could have eaten much better in a pub, for half the price

  • David Davenport says:

    Two couples having just spent 3 nights at Albert cottage, offer these comments. Restaurant dinners were largely pretty good, though starters & sweets remained the same for 3 consequently evenings. Main courses offered choice for two consecutive nights but remained unchanged for the third. These meals were all taken in the very pleasant main hotel dining room. Wines were fairly priced and adequate. The staff were young, enthusiastic and competant. Out of two nights dining we enjoyed a muzak free first evening.

  • Trixi says:

    I always thought the Albert Cottage has a lot of potential. As far as I am aware it is used as a catering college restaurant (?). That’s why there is always a lot of charming but fairly inexperienced young staff. We have been eating at the Consorts Restaurant for 2/3 years but have not been that much recently. I felt the prices were hiked up too much and that they put themselves in competition with restaurants slightly out of their league. The staff knowledge about the wine list and menue has not improved over the years. Staff is always very polite and will ask someone else if they cannot give you an answere – but after all these years it would have been nice to see an improvement on food and beverage staff knowledge. We also had one mid week dinner just by ourselves – which feels not like millionaires dining but a bit odd. The Sunday lunches are always quite well attended and the food is nice and tasty. It is a good place to go with a group of friends or family for a weekend lunch.

  • Amy Lockite says:

    Having visited Albert Cottage for a work function late last year I made the suggestion to Matt and Cat so that they would visit.

    After us all arriving together we waited what seemed like an eternity to be greeted by someone to show us to the bar area. We were lead through a number of corridors all looking much the same and not seeming as if the decorators had quite finished their jobs there. A number of us looked at each other and our expectations were lowered.

    The bar area was lovely though and the restaurant was decorated nicely.

    The overpriced menu was offputting but we were told that as it was a special occasion it was not a problem.

    The staff were eagre to please, largely due to the fact they seemed as though they were being kept an eye on.

    All I can say is that the food was …alright. Certainly not worth the price tag attached to it and there are certainly better places to go to pay for food that is better quality and portion size. I have never been to dinner where I have left and gone home to raid the fridge (being 5’9 and 9 stone I’m not exactly a gannet)

    Overall it was dissappointing and none of the guests within the function party were overly enthralled with it although the free flowing wine did help the party. We have decided that next year we will go somewhere else. I have suggested Burrs ar Lugleys which is around the same price bracket but a much more enjoyable experience.

    I wont be repeating my visit to Albert Cottage and nor will I be recommending it either

    As for the comment made about the photos. This was obviously made by someone who worked there. Perhaps instead of moaning about people having an opinion the people of Albert Cottage should look at improving instead. Perhaps once this has happened I might return, but certainly not until that point. Management should be aware of the points raised and try to make changes not ‘slag off’ those people who pay their wages.

  • Tracy says:

    Dave, I think you’ve missed the whole point of Matt and Cat’s website!
    It’s their views of where they’ve eaten and that’s all it is.
    You happen to be the one with critical opinions, not them, it IS just their opinion.
    Oh and me being critical, you have the worst spelling, grammar and punctuation I have ever seen, it’s laughable and virtually illegible.

    Matt and Cat, please keep up your excellent reviews. Your website encourages many of us readers to visit new places. Let’s hope those who continue to knock you maybe create their own sites (or go and slag each other off on a car forum perhaps!)

  • dave says:

    doe’s matt or cat? have good tast bud’s? the food looked good!, shame about the quality of your photo’s! get a quality camerer, before you critercise someone else’s work, go prepared yourselves, photo’s of food should be taken before you lump your veg on! the critic, made the dish look bad!

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