The obviously named Top of the Town is a popular cafe in Newport's bustling High Street. The place has recently undergone a complete transformation, taking advantage of the new smokefree law to make a fresh start with a remarkably comprehensive and attractive 50's-styled diner makeover. The gleaming, clean new interior is most impressive: packed with neon signs, a real jukebox (with an 'out of order' sign taped onto it - delightfully authentic) and images of James Dean, Marilyn and Elvis smiling down on the diners along with a jaunty hotdog and his equally affable sodapop friend.

So far, so retro - in a kind of Happy Days pastiche of the 1950s way. Matt and Cat, inspired by memories of The Fonz, entered the diner one lunchbreak to check the place out.

It was pretty busy but there was a seat for your reviewers. Slipping onto the red vinyl couch Matt and Cat perused the short menu, noting a good crop of greengrocers' apostrophes, and a range of cafe basics including sandwiches, baguettes and the usual grill items: all at prices that were not the cheapest in town, but not unreasonable either. A decent kids' menu was included, and seemed well patronised.

With only an hour for lunch, Matt and Cat quickly placed their orders at the counter - a burger with bacon for Matt, scrambled egg with toast for Cat, and tea all round. The tea arrived promptly, in big mugs, but was watery and weak. However, this did not prepare your reviewers for what ensued: a wait of nearly 45 minutes.

Anyone familiar with the common agricultural bird-scarer will be aware of its most potent feature: the random nature of the propane-powered explosions that send birds fleeing. Matt and Cat found themselves unexpectedly discussing this topic during their long wait for food at the Top of the Town. What prompted such rustic musings?

It was not countryside views (the diner's picture windows offer a more urban vista) but the penetrating and random squawks of a toddler confined to her highchair, whose distracted mother was attempting to charm some food into her. Periods of quiescence were punctuated unpredictably by cries so shrill and sudden that patrons across the cafe were seen flinching or half-rising from their seats. This girl may have a future as a town crier or operatic diva, assuming she does not starve in the meantime.

An unusual way to serve scrambled egg and toast

Despite their wait being enlivened only by Yelling Girl and her family, Matt and Cat considered leaving unfed: the necessity of getting back to work growing ever stronger. Cat was slumped onto the table, head in her hands alongside her tea, long gone cold. Then the shout went out and Matt and Cat were summoned to collect their order from the counter. A burger, a bowl of scrambled egg, and no toast. Oh dear. Cat, wound up for a good moan by the wait, and paying regard to a nearby sign, really wished she'd brought $5 so she could have a whine, but instead made her way to the counter where polite representations were made. Suffice it to say that eventually the required toast was produced, to go with the (now also cold) egg.

Unfortunately the accompanying butter was in liquid form so Cat once again went to the counter where she swapped the liquid for a solid. That would have been $10 then. By this time and with all this faffing about Cat had pretty much lost interest in eating anything.

What, then, of the burger? Whilst Cat had been stirring the toast-makers into action, Matt took stock. It looked impressive. Two large piping-hot burgers and some rashers of lean bacon nestled in a vast bun. A very fresh salad garnish, commendably without raw onion, come alongside. No chips, but then none were promised. The meat had the irregular edges characteristic of home-made burgers - it seemed as though Top of The Town might just redeem itself at the last moment.

Eagerly, Matt sank his teeth into a big chunk of the splendid-looking feast - and nearly choked. These burgers were not what they appeared to be. They were certainly not of the home-made style they emulated. The irregular shape seemed to have been moulded out of some kind of mixture which, whilst it certainly included meat, was very far from the pure beef mince that Matt was hoping for. A 'meaty' taste had been seen as a necessary supplement to this creation, so it boasted an overpowering taste of seared salty meat extract that could possibly have been achieved by frying in neat Bovril. An unexpectedly disappointing meal.

Matt and Cat couldn't wait to get out of Top of the Town. Not because of the noisy ambience, nor the irregular service, nor even the deeply unsatisfying food. No, the thing that propelled them out of that door at top speed in the end was the need to minimise the extra time they were going to have to work that evening to make up for their unplanned extended lunch hour. Let's leave the verdict to the Fonz...