Oh Keith, can you ever forgive Matt and Cat? Just a few weeks after this website was celebrated in the Isle of Wight County Press for offering "no high-falutin’ kitchen-speak intended to impress rather than inform", this entry appears, which might cause straight-eatin' columnist Keith Newbery to shake his head in dismay.

One of
Matt and Cat's
favourites

Once every couple of years, Matt and Cat rummage down the sides of the sofa for enough spare change to push the boat out for one night. Not just a posh meal out, but also a bed in a hotel afterwards. A luxury which means that a leisurely evening can be passed, safe in the knowledge that nobody needs to drive home; and with luck, a splendid breakfast awaits.

For this year's treat, M & C booked a room at Ventnor's Royal Hotel and soon enough found themselves holding an overnight bag on the threshold of one of the Island's oldest and grandest hotels. Long a watering-hole for the well-heeled, the Royal is also renowned for good food.

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Arriving guests stroll down to the hotel's entrance though what can only be described as magical illuminated gardens. Matt and Cat pirouetted along this enchanting twinkly path, and were soon in the hotel's vast and mercifully warm hallway. Their room isn't the subject of this review but if it had been, M & C would have heaped high praise upon the superbly-appointed suite. Having tweaked her mane and sporting a new cardi with this season's silhouette shoulders, Cat took Matt's smartly-jacketed arm and set off to see what waited within the Royal's dining room.

The first thing that struck the diners was the contrast between the Royal and The Hamborough. The latter's austere asceticism was not on offer. The Royal is classically comfortable, verging on opulent. Chandeliers, gold leaf, soft carpets, plenty of glittering cutlery and starched linen. The staff, always correct and formal, nevertheless made polite small-talk as well as conveying food and information. The à la carte menu was tempting, but M & C had already spotted that for a mere £10 extra per head they could upgrade to the tasting menu; seven courses of whatever the chef wanted to show off. As trying out the kitchen was the purpose of the visit, this was too good a chance to miss.

Soon your reviewers' expectant faces were reflected in a carefully regimented battery of cutlery and, after exactly the right pause, the first course arrived. Cauliflower velouté with a thyme foam was delivered in tiny shot-glasses, looking rather beige. M&C pondered it in bemusement, which rapidly turned to entertainment. Of all the range of cutlery on offer - from forks to fish knives - none would fit into the little glass. The only thing to do was to grab it 'twixt finger and thumb and neck it back. Drinking the warm, velvety sauce through the fragrant thyme foam was an excellent and novel way to enjoy the velouté - clearly this was indeed the intended way to approach what was a delightful little offering. It's hard to say whether this was a deliberate tease by the kitchen, but if it was, it was a good and clever one.

Fish came next, and a morsel of sea bass combined soft flesh with a seared, crispy surface. This was well-matched with an aniseedy fennel risotto. The dish which Cat had been waiting for was to follow: caramelised shallot and goats' cheese tartlette with a quince reduction. This was cunning; combining almost impossibly sweet shallots with the tangy cheese and fruity syrup. Cat was not disappointed.

A seasonal pheasant dish was the main meat course, with a whole sliced breast atop a potato galette and shredded cabbage, with a tasty game jus, or 'gravy' as we mortals quaintly call it. This was a really excellent way to eat a substantial portion of what had to be the softest, finest pheasant that M&C had ever tasted. Cat, who normally shies away from anything gamy, compared its tender, smooth almost grainless texture to liver. Matt's naive choice of Merlot was a good accompaniment to this tasty bird.

Heading for the home straight, the cheese course was a plate bearing slivers of the three native Isle of Wight cheeses and a potent chutney. The fromages flaunted their local provenance, being described as "A selection of Richard Hodgeson's cheeses, from Queen Bower dairy".

At this point, the attentive serving staff brought forth the final round of cutlery; the fork and spoon laid as far apart as they could be without actually toppling off the tablecloth. Observant Cat noted this, and speculated with trepidation that a truly colossal dessert was to follow. Luckily for her, the explanation was a remarkable array of tiny sweetmeats presented on a long tray. This was "a tasting plate of Steven's desserts" - referring to chef patissier Steve Bott.

The little morsels were unfailing delights. The highlight for Matt was probably the exquisite banana and hot dark chocolate soufflé, whereas Cat, finding it hard to express a preference, eventually plumped for the sweet-and-sour lemon parfait on a brandy snap curl.

Finally it was time to retire to the quiet bar for coffee and petits fours: a fine end to a splendid, luxurious meal. The Royal had fully lived up to its reputation and, with an impressive £70 seasonal discount on the rack rate, it proved to be less pricey than M&C had expected. For comparison, on the same day Matt and Cat could have booked dinner, bed and breakfast in the bargain-basement Premier Inn, Newport for £100 - only £50 less.

When checking out of the hotel after their leisurely three course breakfast, Matt and Cat were approached by the hotel's owner William Bailey, who quietly appeared like Mr Benn's shopkeeper. "You must be Matt," he said, offering his hand. "Oh, have we been rumbled?" enquired Cat sheepishly. It seemed that they had; perhaps her pre-breakfast tweet gave the game away to some astute Twitterer on the Royal staff. Mr Bailey's polite enquiries were a flattering way to round off a delightful stay - and when he asked if anything had been amiss, his guests were quite honestly able to report that nothing had been. Suspicious-minded readers may also be pleased to note he also confirmed that the service M & C were offered was standard, not enhanced, as the reviewing duo had managed to keep their shroud of anonymity intact until that morning. So Matt and Cat are able to recommend the Royal Hotel without reservation, to dine, to stay or both.

See also 'The 'V' Word at The Royal' and see what happened when M&C were invited to try a special vegetarian menu at Ventnor.

Visit the website: http://www.royalhoteliow.co.uk/