Rustic burger and chips

Ahh, the Isle of Wight, what a bucolic place, with its rolling downland and pleasant broadleaf woodland interspersed with farms and grazing animals. Even just the sounds of the countryside can elicit images of gambolling lambs, bleating with all their spring newness.

Unfortunately for Matt and Cat, their visit to Ryde Castle coincided with a one-man farmyard impressionist - the sounds of the pigpen brought nauseatingly to life as one particular customer snuffled, belched and coughed up copious 'throat oysters' in the lounge bar. For a brief moment Cat considered using the podcaster to record his mucous-clagged passageways being cleared but, after one positively Vesuvian belch, your reviewers just moved seats. The man gave everyone a brief respite from his eruptions; wobbling outside for a fag, presumably to replenish his airways with carcinogenic matter in order to manufacture more lung butter. Well, you've got to have a hobby.

Did this very public display of post-food percolation mean that Mr Pigpen had eaten a hearty and satisfying meal, or had it given him heartburn? Matt and Cat intended to find out...

Review continues:

Mediterranean vegetable parcel

A previous attempt to eat at the Ryde Castle had left your reviewers licking their chops in Liberty's; the Castle being so empty and uninviting (apart from a skinny guy who looked like a permanent fixture at the bar), that they left without bothering to order food. This time they meant to stay. Pleasingly the lights in the dining room were on this time, and it looked very well-turned out - wine glasses and napkins sitting expectantly on the tables. However, Matt and Cat turned their backs on the formal dining area and wandered into the lounge bar. Several couples were already cooling their wine bottles and had cutlery laid out in anticipation of a bar meal. The skinny guy from last time was still at the bar and this time he had people to watch, instead of just the inside of his pint.

Cat settled into her seat while Matt ordered drinks and corralled menus. A meaty array of meals was available including the beer-based beef and Ruddles ale pie (£8.95) also IPA beer-battered fish and chips (£8.45). There was plenty of locally-sourced food: but unfortunately not local to the Island. Some local to the Marches (Gloucester cheese, Hereford beef), other local to more distant places - sausages from Yorkshire and blue cheese from Cornwall. Cat fancied the medley of Mediterranean vegetables in a parcel with goats cheese, new potatoes and seasonal vegetables. Matt chose the rustic beef burger which promised to be prime British beef, with Bernaise sauce.

Whilst ordering the food at the bar, Cat noticed a huge TV which was facing into the bar area but away from the diners. That would explain the skinny guy's catatonic stance then. The sound was turned off and the subtitles had been activated so that those who cannot be separated from the delights of 'Pro-celebrity Ironing' and 'Has-beens on Ice' could satiate their cravings for the one-eyed monster. How considerate. If you've got to have a TV in the dining room - an assertion Matt and Cat would dispute - then at least have the decency to make it optional. The Ryde Castle get full marks there.

Inside the parcel

A bit of idle chatter about the whereabouts of Scouse comedian Alexei Sayle and the preserving properties of lead-lined coffins, helped Matt and Cat pass the time til their food arrived.

The Mediterranean parcel was less brown paper and more fibre-lined Jiffy bag. The pastry was really chunky and, as a consequence, rather flabby although the top was nice and browned. The inside of the parcel was more promising - a selection of well-cooked but still identifiable vegetables steamed gently under a layer of melting goats cheese. The carrots and beans were nicely arranged but were a bit tepid. The potatoes looked far more appetising than Matthew's chips (more of which in a moment) but their crispy, sautéed shells hid a disappointingly powdery spud. New potatoes they may have been - once.

Chips?

Matt has decided never again to refer to himself as in his prime for fear that Cat will compare him to the 'prime' British beef burger that the Ryde Castle offered up. Much like the 'new' potatoes, the 'prime' beef's best days were behind it - some way into the distant past. For £8.95 Matt was expecting a chunky pure meat patty dribbling with juice. What he got was a sizeable rubbery blob which was certainly not pure beef. He demonstrated its inflexibility by banging it on the side of his plate - the panini was only marginally better and got the same treatment (listen to the podcast below to hear both for yourself).
Hear the authentic dried-burger-on-china sound:

But the chips really took the biscuit. It's not unusual to get a tasty pile of steak-cut chips with a pub burger; generally skinny fries are the stuff of fast food restaurants. However, they are not without their merits except when fried to within an inch of their lives, burnt and yet simultaneously soggy. Which is how Matt's were. Fortunately Cat left most of her pastry and potatoes so Matt got a reasonable amount of carbohydrates from her leftovers.

Matt and Cat ate their meals with little pleasure. They wondered what might have happened if they had been brave enough to be the sole diners in the grand restaurant next door. If the Ryde Castle can't cook bar food it seems likely that à la carte would be even more disappointing.

Ryde Castle has a great location - probably the prime spot in the town. It's also a fascinating and characterful building. But the food is no good at all. It would seem that Mr Pigpen was in fact having digestive trouble and not just coughing and belching for the fun of it. If only Matt and Cat had heeded his warning.

Hear the full podcast review: