Farm diversification might sound like some boring euro-speak, but Matt and Cat love to see the working countryside and make a special point of supporting farm businesses when they can. Recently on the roadside near Three Gates Farm, Shalfleet some cheery noticeboards have appeared advertising the 'Lazy Cow Cafe'. Three Gates Farm is a dairy farm which has been successfully marketing for some years its delicious range of 'Calbourne Classics' ice creams. So it was with high hopes that Matt and Cat went to see how the makers of such fine fare would handle the cafe trade.

Proceeding down the long drive the visitors found themselves in the busy yard of a working dairy farm. Silage was being made, and tractors bustled to and fro. Impressive - but not particularly reassuring. There was no indication of where to drive or park, and most of the possible locations looked a bit like the top picture.

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This was in fact the view from the car where Matt and Cat finally pulled up - there was farm machinery aplenty, malodorous effluent from the silage ran merrily down the track, and piles of rubble, old tyres and unidentified matter seemed ubiquitous. Not unexpected or even inappropriate on a working farm, to be sure - but far from welcoming at a cafe. Certainly not ideal for visitors with dogs or young children, who don't want to get mud on their shoes, or who are not confident driving or walking around whilst heavy machinery is in operation. However, Matt and Cat fall into none of these categories, and were quite happy to pick their way to the site of the cafe, which was located alongside a couple of small sheds by some portacabins. The cafe has no permanent undercover seating, and the bench-style seating is laid out in a large marquee which was blowing around quite vigorously, as it was a windy day.

They took a moment to study the short but tempting menu of light lunches and snacks. Soon the polite waitress approached and took an order for tea, with Isle of Wight pork pie salad for Matt, and quiche salad for Cat. There then followed a not inconsiderable delay which was enlivened for the visitors by battling with the inevitable flies - this was a tent on a large dairy farm, after all, and it showed.

Cat's lettuce, with added sand

The tea did not arrive until the food did, and before this point, your reviewers must confess to having some qualms about the entire venture. This cafe seemed a rum sort of set-up, and the expected pastoral farmyard scenes and views of the countryside had not been delivered. Instead the diners found themselves waiting in a windy tent looking across an unmade farm track at the back of a portacabin and some gas bottles, whilst a 4WD tractor loomed over them piling silage onto a clamp. But Matt and Cat were expecting good things from the home of Calbourne Classics, and so they waited on undeterred. Soon their patience was rewarded with a promising-looking spread.

Each meal was nicely laid-out with some chutneys, salad, coleslaw and a prodigious pickled onion. Matt and Cat tucked in - but soon their delight turned to dismay. Cat was the first to notice that her cucumber was not just elderly but slimy enough to nearly fall in half. Further investigation revealed that most of the cucumber in both meals was the same. Moving on to the lettuce, she took a big mouthful to be unpleasantly surprised by a lot of sand nestled in the lettuce's veins. This lettuce had not been washed. Matt began to investigate his own meal more carefully, and found some lettuce that was worse than sandy.

There's tired lettuce, and there's mouldy lettuce. This one's plain old slimy.

This was not an isolated bad leaf in an otherwise good meal. Quite the contrary. There were other mouldy leaves, the pepper was also old. You're probably getting the picture by now. Matt and Cat were. So much so that Cat called over the proprietress and drew the sorry mess to her attention. To be fair, she could not have been more apologetic, and immediately offered to let Matt and Cat have their meal and drinks for free (and no, they did not 'break cover' and mention a review website at any point). But by that time, the damage was done. Apologies could only go so far. Matt and Cat left the substantial remains of their meals and went in search of food elsewhere - the first time they have ever been obliged to do so in over 130 reviews.

If you want to get good quality food out of Three Gates Farm, it's easy to do so by buying Calbourne Classics. But Matt and Cat are reluctantly obliged to conclude that it's best to stick to getting it that way, and not via the Lazy Cow Cafe.